I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
