Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
