Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
