I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
