i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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