i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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