i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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