I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
