Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Randomize
