Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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