Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
