I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
