my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
