This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
