just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
