im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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