My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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