Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
