I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
