He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
