Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
