Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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