I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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