the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
