2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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