apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
