i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
