I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
