I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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