Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I won't apologize to a one balled man
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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