My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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