lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Dick very happy bro
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
