I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
