I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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