I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
nutella sex= disaster
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
