I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
