Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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