Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
it's great music for shaving your balls
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
