we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
