Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
