he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I wish you could order shots online.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
