Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
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