and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
