everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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