Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
so much tequila, so little girl.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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