I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
