There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
