we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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