i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
