I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
