just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
