you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
