somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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