Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
